Being out of Sober State is, Being out of Reality
by Zerolr
Summary: Oiiiiiiii, what is this? Gin-san, you're supposed to say a short summary of 255 characters about Narrator san's fanfic... Mmmm is that so? Well you, yea, you reading this summary--just click the title! It's good for your health! Just DO it!
1. It's all your fault!

* * *

A Gintama/Bleach Crossover

Rating: M (To be safe—cursing etc)

Genre: Comedy/Adventure/Action/Randomness/Pina colada

Disclaimer: _Bleach and Gintama are copyrighted property of their respected manga-ka. I am in no way claiming anything nor am I profiting from this… This is fan-based and fan-made for the enjoyment of fans everywhere. Enjoy!_

* * *

Ladies and gentlemen sit tight. I will tell you a tale of a Jack-of-all-trades, Sakata Gintoki. A man so lazy, so sarcastic, a sugar-addict-prankster-who-only-cares-about-his-own-XXX!

**And Gintoki says: **Hey! You're saying some pretty awful things about me Narrator-san!

Oh shut up, you know that's the truth.

**And Gintoki says:** I fire you, you hear me—I want my lawyer! Oi—oi! I need a narrator! A narrator!

Alright fine. I suppose I'll just leave…

* * *

**THE END**

* * *

**And Gintoki says:** Eh? Uh…no! Wait! This can't end like this! I'm the main character damnit!

* * *

**AND THE STORY REOPENS (**_**does this count as a sequel?!)**_

* * *

**And Gintoki says:** Thank you… oi… why is "_And Gintoki says"_ there always right before I speak—I think people know who I am…

Maybe they don't maybe they are ardent Bleach fans who curiously enough want to read a crossover they've never heard of before.

**And Gintoki says: **Whaa, never heard of?!

Yes, I believe I am writing the first Gintama/Bleach crossover, so yeah… Uh—wait, wait hold on, hold on… there are three Gintama/Bleach crossovers… they just haven't listed their story in the "_crossover"_ section. So mine would be the fourth (I'm not counting the short skit I wrote)

**And Gintoki says: **Three? Only three?! I should sue you! Shame! Shame on you for not writing this sooner—shame on all your readers who thought of writing one but never did, shame!

And so, our hero continues on with his selfish ranti—

**And Gintoki says: **Take off this bold faced print! And don't forget the colon! Arrgh, you're just making me out to be the bad guy, I know it—you write to say that I'm in a pastry shop. Or better yet—I'm a multimillionaire surrounded by thousands of lollipops…. Strawberry milk cartons stacked to the sky… ehehehehehehhh...

Hey, I'm the narrator, why in the world are you telling me what to do?

Because I am a copyrighted character and you have no power over me. Now write!

Okay… *writes something totally different*

* * *

BEING OUT OF SOBER STATE IS,

BEING OUT OF REALITY

* * *

Chapter one : It's all your fault!

* * *

The rain pelted mercilessly on the window panes as Shinpachi and Kagura watched the television. A moment of unusual silence rested in the room maybe because Gintoki wasn't there…

The thunder crashed and the door to the Yorozuya slid open. A man with a white natural perm and dead fish-eyes stood, his mouth drooling his arms dangling.

Shinpachi's eyes widened in horror rendered completely speechless.

"Michael J. Foxx!" screamed Kagura during the second crash of thunder. Gintoki's eyes rolled back as his body crashed to the ground, his face flushed in drunken stupor.

"Gin-san!" shouted Shinpachi.

_Gin-san_

_Gin-san_

_Gin-sa_

_Gin_

_Gi_

_Giiiiiii_

Eh? Huh? Wha? The hell? Where am I? Yeah—I'm back home right? No? Yes? What's going on? Maybe I shouldn't have done that shot drinking contest against the Madao. Tch. Tch, tch. I swear that will be the last time I'll ever drink—or by Jump comics—wait don't I say that all the time? (What does Jump have to with this situation anyways?!)

_Giiiii_

_Gi_

_Gin_

_~two faced bastard~_

_Gin-san_

_~la-lalas~_

_Gin-san!_

_~cheeseburgersssss~_

"Hello?!"

Gintoki opened his eyes to find himself in a small upstairs room—in a bed not a futon. There were posters on the wall, a desk with music and CDs, a guitar against the wall unused, but most significantly a little girl was calling out to him.

"Are you okay, mister?"

"Huh, who the fuck are you?"

"Hey, watch what you say to Yuzu, buster!" Karin Kurosaki walked in with a scowl on her face and a soccer ball tucked under her arm.

Gintoki sat up and blinked his eyes in bewilderment.

"Shinpachi—Kagura?"

Wait hold on. This could be three logical reasons behind this. (1) That I've been teleported to an alternate universe in the alcoholic's space-time continuum, or, (2) Shinpachi geekness changed him into a girl who absorbed all of Kagura's toughness changing her into a kind-hearted little girl… (3) Maybe Narrator-san has no proper reason for putting me into this predicament—just for the hell of it?

Ay, ay, ay… those are the given most obvious logical explanations… what's unconceivable, what cannot be, the most impossible possibility is that all this could be a dream. No, it's not a dream. No, of course not. There's no way.

"Would you like something to drink?" Yuzu asked.

Gintoki in all seriousness turned his face so that his red eyes can look into hers.

"Strawberry milk."

"Huh? Why'd you act so serious just to say that?! It just makes no sense," shouted Karin.

"Shinpachi—I knew it wa—,"

Karin slammed the soccer ball into his face.

"The name's Karin, ya freak," and with that, she turned and walked away down the steps following after Yuzu.

Tch, that hurts—huh? Pain? See, I knew it wasn't a dream.

Gintoki picked at his nose as he glanced about the room.

"I know this place."

He dug into his kosode and pulled out a Shounen Jump comic and turned to the page that painted the same exact room matching exactly with what was around him.

Oh. Shit. This is Kurosaki-san's room.

He got off the bed and walked towards the closet. Sliding it open he saw Yuzu's pj's and some of her dresses.

And this is the closet where Rukia-san sleeps.

He hit himself over the head with the palm of his hand.

"Ah damn! Course! They were the Kurosaki twins—Yuzu and Karin… they haven't showed up in the manga in the longest. I was beginning to forget about them………Uh?"

Out of the corner of his eyes Gintoki spotted something very familiar to him. Deep within the closet mixed up with the messy futon sheets—was something small, cute, frilly—white. Did I mention frilly? He opened his mouth a bit, but the mind spoke for him.

Panties.

No. not just any panty—the panty of Kuchiki Rukia from Tite Kubo's Bleach—panty.

His body struggled to resist the urge from taking them.

"Must…have…NO!"

He used his hand to slap himself. Gin stumbled back in recoil.

No! You mustn't stoop so low—you're not that type of person, are you? Aw fuck! It's Rukia-chan's panties—how are you going to push down an offer like this?"

He slapped himself again, harder this time.

No! If I take them, I'd be no different than that underwear thief!

Blood dribbled down from his mouth.

Damnit, I hit pretty hard don't I?

He wiped the blood off from his lip and closed his eyes in thought.

Relax all you gotta do is just close the close—

Ehhhhh?! Where am I?

When he opened his eyes, he found himself in outside in Karakura town (the fake one) standing next to Hitsugaya Toushiro, who crashed to the ground right next to him. Hitsugaya recovering from Halibel's last attack forced herself to his feet.

"This is a captain's strength?" she spoke blankly, "Apache and the others…Lost to this?"

In one furious swing she brought out her blade and presented it in front of them.

"I'll finish this now—Attack. Tiburon."

Hitsugaya's eyes as two large waves of water burst from behind her and clapped shut around her body, encapsulating her.

Her sword pieced the closed waves slicing it in half revealing her resurrection form.

Hitsugaya heard a high-pitched squeal and turned his head to the right, to find some random guy just standing there, with silver hair, red eyes, wearing dark clothes with a white/blue kosode over them.

He grinned like mad and pointed a finger towards the 10th captain and declared with confidence,

"I know what you're thinking."

"Huh?"

"_That's her resurreccion. She hasn't changed as much outwardly as I expected,"_ he cooed in a voice that mocked Hitsugaya's.

Hitsugaya gasped.

"_...but it would be fatal to underestimate her…"_ Gin finished.

"Y—you! You read my thoughts—," Hitsugaya pointed his blade at him, "Who are you—whose side are you on?"

"Peace my friend, I'm just an innocent bystander. I don't read minds. I read Jump!" He presented his trusty magazine in front of the boggled captain.

"See? It's right here. Chapter 355 pgs 13 through 17…" he calmly flipped to page 18, "And here is when you—,"

Halibel dashed with freakish speed slashing his right arm off his body.

"Ahh!!!"

Gintoki screamed. He looked down at the page and back at the scene.

"It's not my fault! Oi, I swear! It's in the manga! Look see?! It's not my fault!"

_Why do I feel like it's my fault?!_

* * *

END CHAPTER

* * *

And so folks that's why Hitsugaya's arm got lopped off in chapter 355 of Bleach—he was distracted by Gintoki's sudden arrival! Tsk, tsk, tsk… shame, shame Sakata-san.

Shut up! I told you it's not my fault, you bastard.

Chapter two, coming sooooon….

Oi. That rhymes.

* * *

(_If you wanna check out the reference I used for this chapter go to— onemanga(dot)com--click on 'bleach'—chapter 355—pgs 13-18. Hope I made you laugh XD_)


	2. The Hell is Going on here!

(*) – Taken from the saying "_there's a child in all of us"_

(!) – Yu-gi-oh, One piece, Yu yu hakusho, Ruroni Kenshin, Dragon Ball Z, Shaman King had been/are featured in Shoenen Jump.

_

* * *

_

Commentary from

**Ginpachi Sensei!!!**

* * *

"Haiiiiii. Everyone take your seats." The silver-headed sensei walked casually into the classroom of 3-Z as the rambunctious students settled into their seats. He casually had a 'cig' dangling about his lips as he dropped the books in his hands on the desk.

"Sensei!" cried the foreign exchange student, "He's picking on me!" she whined pointing a finger at Shinpachi.

"What did I ever do to you?!"

"Sensei," called Kondo, "I _need_ to use the bathroom," he cried squeezing his legs, buckling the knees together.

"Not now. Sit down."

"Sensei," Toshi raised a hand most respectively, "Somebody carved _'DIE HIJIKITA'_ all over my desk."

Eyes flew to the innocent looking boy who sat next to him.

"Mmmm it looks like you have a death wish, Hijikita-san, I'd watch your back if I were you," A switch blade glistened deep within the confinements of his desk, that's filled with tons of other 'toys'.

"Yosh," The sensei turned his back as he picked up the piece of chalk, "Today's lesson—er—no, my bad," He crossed out the word 'lesson', "…class, we'll be reviewing reviews. We've got a couple of letters we're going over and answering them to the best of my ability."

"_Sensei!!!"_ piped Kondo, "Bathroom!" he squeaked.

"Wrong. Our first letter isn't from Bathroom but comes to us from Calcium FIST." He rummaged through some papers on his desk to pull out a post card.

"Ehh…" Kondo dropped his head to the desk resting his cheek on the smooth surface, both hands stuffed between his legs, "….That's… not what I…"

Sougo tore the edge of his notebook and slipped the sliver of paper into his mouth.

Kagura picked her nose.

Shinpachi sighed.

Toushiro wondered if what was hanging from Sensei's lips is a lollipop or really a cigarette.

"It says:

* * *

_**Brilliant! Great job with Gin's character! It's so great you write him geeking out.**_

* * *

Geeking out…" He cautiously scratched his head, "I wouldn't call it geeking out, rather it's called over excitement. Let me put it this way. It's like the jittery adrenaline received from over dosing on too many energy drinks. The internal organs are vibrating at micro sonic speeds, the mind crashes to single thoughts of obsession. Sugar. Strawberry milk. Jump. The newest updated chapter. The newest updated chapter. The newest updated chapter. The newest updated—,"

"Sensei,"

"Huh?"

"That's a cigarette, without a doubt," Hijikita interjected.

Sougo steadied his aim with his blowgun.

"Wrong." Ginpachi removed the questionable object from his lips, "It's a sugar stick."

"That smokes," Toshi spat back in disbelief.

"Because of the high fructose corn syrup. It's so high on fructose that is causes fructuous friction that smokes." He returned the sacred item to his lips and took a long satisfying drag.

_No matter how I see it, it's a cigarette_, Toshi and Shinpachi chanted mentally at the same time.

"Arigato, Calcium FIST for the review," He directed his dreary gaze towards the screen, "Your words give off marshmallow fluffiness that can be burned for creative energy used by fan fiction writers everywhere."

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Kondo rushed out knocking his chair off to the side as he desperately charged out of the room.

In the mist of the sudden confusion, Sougo shot several spit-soaked balls landing on his target's cheek.

"You bastard!" roared Toshi. Yamasaki rapidly stood grabbing on to his arms from behind.

"Don't do it!"

"I swear, I'll kill you! Bastard!"

"Asshole"

"Fuckfaced—,"

"Oogoshi-kun," A glucose induced fume seethed from between his lips whizzing into the air, "Wait till after class to kill each other. I don't want to be looking after dead bodies… Our next letter actually has a question and even a suggestion. It comes from XxabridgedgirlxX.

"Sensei!" cried the exchange student with flaming red hair and googly nerd glasses, "She gives two kisses in front and two at the end! BIG kiss, little kiss, little kiss, BIG kiss…"

"I don't think that's the reason why the "x's" are there…" groaned Shinpachi.

Sensei straightened his glasses as he took the cutely decorated post card and read it.

* * *

_**Looks really great, like the way it's written, beginning was hilarious. Just wondering, is there going to be any plot?**_

* * *

He looked up, directing his attention towards the screen, "First things first; I'd like to thank you for taking the time submitting this and providing comments and questions. Now, I will get to the point. Randomness itself is a plot. Anything that is continuously randomly weaved in a randomly patterned random way, is a random-ish thought-out plot. Yes, this has a plot, but remember, this fanfic contains alcohol; I can't guarantee any sanity."

Kondo walked in breathing a sigh of relief. He settled into his seat.

"It goes on to say:

* * *

_**But I don't think it needs an M-rating**_

* * *

That's true. That is the absolute truth. The T-rating is hip and sexy-looking, attracting more readers while the "M" scares people shitless and is stalked by others looking for a good lemon." He raised a finger and calmly closed his eyes, "This 'M' is act of self protection! You know the flamers, right?" He turned to doodle on the board, "… the midget-size gnomes packed with pyro-like tendencies that jack off from good insults and human mangled cries of anguish and suffering? They are out there. Waiting.

He put down the piece of chalk exposing childish stick figures.

Scratching his head, he thought for a moment.

"You know what? Fuck it. Fuck them, fuck everything." He turned and drew a letter 'T' over everything, "Folks this fanfic is rated 'T'. He turned to face the class. I don't think this fanfic is acidic enough to fry the eyeballs out of their sockets. And if it does, that could only give Sougo something to laugh about."

"I like flamers, they're secret slaves of my personal army," replied the sandy-blonde youth.

"Now, lastly here's a letter from MemoriesOfTheRain:

* * *

_**Lmao!! It's Brilliant xD**_

* * *

And that's it. It's straight simple, to the point—delivering a swift euphoria of satisfaction for about two-point-three seconds. Thank you."

"Senseiii" called Kagura, "What's _lamo_?"

"**L**acerating **m**onkeys **a**ttacking **o**bsessively."

"O-m-g," cried Yamasaki, "that's SO funny, l-o-l."

"W-t-f, you bastard!" Kagura cried towards Yamasaki.

"B-r-b, Sensei" called Shinpachi as he stood to go.

"F-y-b," said Sougo to Hijikita.

"What's that?"

"**F**uck **y**ou **b**itch."

"That's it!!!"

"No, Toshi! Stop!" cried Kondo as Hijikita dove after Sougo.

"Well, that wraps up for today's segment, keep reading, and you—yes YOU. Stand out in the hallway please!"

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 2 – What the Hell is Going on Here?!**

* * *

"Huh? What? Why is everything black? No, not this again."

_Gin-san…_

_"_Eh?"

_Ginnn…sann…_

"Who's that? Quit with the mysterious womanly voice! Jeeze, maybe if I go to sleep it'll go away…"

_Ginnn-saaa—Cheeseburgersss…_

_"_Oiii! The hell with the cheeseburgers! Come to think of it, you insulted me before too! You think this is funny? Who are you? Narrator-san? Random? Are you Random? Randomness incarnate? A vengeful fast-food employee?! What? They fed you nothing but cheeseburgers all your life?! Answer me! Answer me, you bastard…"

_You're sooo mean!!!!_

The voice sounding like a whining little boy came from Gintoki himself.

(*)"Noooo!!! It can't be! Impossible! Impossible! The child within me is a transsexual that has an obsession with cheeseburgers it can't be…"

_Actually… I'm asexual._

"Whaaaa? So I'm not male, female—I'm not anything, not even an it! I'm just some 'thing'? That's ridiculous, basically what's swinging down between my legs is—

_I'm not you—I'm in your kimono, in your kimono…_

Gintoki reached in his hand and pulled out his Jump comic.

_Ahhh… that's much better…_

Silence. The silver perm slowly collected his thoughts as the 'reality' began to sink in.

"Oiiiiii!"

The book fell released from his hands to the floor landing with a flat, plop!

"T-th-this can't be happening. N-n-no. Calm down, you're NOT talking to your Jump. This is just a figment of your imagination…

The book floated upwards and remained suspended in mid-air.

"This bad. Real bad, really bad. Now it's floating and all glowy with sparkly sprinkles."

_Gin-san—or rather—Sakata Gintoki. I am the Spirit of Jump. The almighty deity that fuels all manga-ka that have been serialized in this book for over 40 years!_ As the book spoke the light surrounding it vibrated to the rise and fall of its voice.

"Why are you sounding all high and mighty? Maybe this is a dream after all. Yes, a dream. I'm going to sleep…

_THIS IS NOT A DREAM, SAKATA GINTOKI. OPEN YOUR EYES TO THE TRUTH!_

"Sorry, but there is a limit to how wide my eyes can open. And what truth can there be if there's nothing but a black background and a floating asexual book!

_Hey, be glad I'm asexual, how would you feel if I was male resting inside your clothes sitting on your lap and your fingers __turning my pages__? Your hands grabbing on my __long hard thick__ binding, eh?_

Gintoki's face wrinkled up in disgust, "Shut up will you? Why are you making some as ordinary as a book sound so perverted? You're the Spirit of Jump right, as in 'Shounen Jump? Shounen? As in _boy_? So you really are a boy, right?"

_Stop it! You're so annoying!_ The book whined again nearly squeaking.

"I will right after you put me back where I belong—oh and while you're at it, give me a really cool bankai."

_I can't. Something has gone terribly wrong…_

Gintoki picked at his nose with indifference.

(!)_Your world as well as the worlds shared within the covers of this book has been meshed together. As we speak, Yugi Moto and Seto Kabia are dueling epically on Monkey D. Luffy's ship, the Thousand Sunny. Yusuke Urameshi has been absorbed by Majin buu with Vegeta and Hiei gallantly fighting against him… and the shaman Yoh Asukura has Kenshin Himura as his guardian ghost instead of Amidamaru—goodness knows where he could be… I have to find them all and put them in their places…_

Gintoki yawned and stretched, "What do you want me to do about it?"

_You must say alive, live, no matter what. Your world is falling into the Bleach universe; you need to survive until I could set everything straight._

"Or else?"

_Or else, it stays this way __**FOREVER**__….__**Forever**__…forever…forever… and ever, ever, and ever, ever, ever, ev—_

_"_Oh-kay! I get it, I get it. Jeeze, so annoy… So basically it's your fault and I have to put up with it?"

_You must keep everyone from your world alive as well…_

(this thing just ignored me…) That's impossible, do you know how many Gintama characters are there?! It's bad enough Narrator-san has to google every time just to double check name spellings and such—but to keep everyone alive? I'm not God.

_No, (technically I am but—)_

"I heard that! Can't believe I'm talking to an asexual book with a god-complex." He scoffed in disbelief.

_How can you treat me this way?! After I supply you with weekly updates, be glad you live in Japan! Americans have to wait monthly for their updates!_

"Not my problem. They can go online and read the manga there…"

_I hate the internet! I hate it! I have funfacts gosh-dammit! Ahem, getting back… You must keep everyone including yourself, alive. Remember you_

_You…_

_You are the one with the Silver Soul!_

"I can barely keep up with Shinpachi and Kagura damnit, bastard are you listening! Don't fade away asshole!"

_You're a leading character…_

"Oi, Jump! Jump-san! Don't leave me like this!"

_I know you can do it. Even as we speak, you two companions are in danger for yooooour __**sake**__…_

Gintoki's eyes shot open.

What? Shinpachi? Kagura!?

"Oi, you stupid book! Don't screw with me! Oi, oi!

His eyes were suddenly blinded by a bright white light…

* * *

**END CHAPTER**

* * *

"Sensei! Sensei!"  
The school bell rang throughout the school as the students rushed out of the building with such dire need, others would think it was set to explode. Shinpachi rushed in the opposite direction, towards the teacher's lounge where Ginpachi sat lazily at his desk.

"Eh? Shinpachi, shouldn't you roam free with the buffalos? Sometimes I wonder if you're a masochist for school work."

(I'm a masochist for you, my love…)

"As if, look!" Shinpachi placed two postcards on the silver perm's desk. He took it into his hands and quickly read over them, "The mail man forgot to leave these in your mailbox and he returned to deliver it at the last minute."

"… Thanks Shinpachi, run along with the antelopes then." He casually replied with a wave of his hand.

"Buffalos? Antelopes? That doesn't make any sense."

"It's a joke Shinpachi a joke, 'ha-ha' don't you get it?"

"I do, but for some reason, I'm always compelled to argue against it…."

"I don't blame you, it's in your nature, you're the straight man, I'm the funny man"

(What would that make me? The woman in between? )

The student turned and walked out. Just outside the door anxiously peeking inside, was a female student with red framed glasses. Shinpachi stepping out spotted her and just sighed… and continued to walk away.

"Reason why this update was delayed for a few more days was to include this unexpected segment and have me sitting here giving credit to these additional two letters I received" he said this as he raised the postcards into view.

(Oh, he's so sexy! Oh Sensei, my forbidden love…)

"Arrancar-Baka, Narrator-san will keep writing, she has the intention to finish this story and don't worry, phxjoker88, Hitsugaya's alright… you'll see more of him as well as the other characters in the next chap—Oi! I know you're standing there, Stalker!"

"Ohh, Sensei those cold selfish words!" Sa-chan came out of her hiding place her cheeks scarlet her eyes sparkling, "But why do get some much pleasure just from hearing them?!"

"Well that's about it for chapter two, say tuned!"

"Sensei, sensei—hurt me more. More!"

* * *

**END**

* * *


End file.
